Testing Testing One Two Three

so i am working on this new thing, where i am really honest about my life. i tell my feelings more and share things about myself and my life that i didn't previously. so, if you have any questions you've wanted to ask me before...go ahead, and i'll answer.


and in thinking on the matter above...

this year has been strange. it started out with such random adventuring to chicago and things seemed to be going well for many people....i mean, i swore this year was going to be a good year...a season of change but tremendously healthy change. and i saw it happening all around...to me...to loved ones, people i heard about. it was pretty encouraging. and i was so challenged in some of my academics and i felt like i really learned some new things not only about studies but about myself too. and in all that, in all the growing and feelings of overwhelm, i found myself in one of the lonliest seasons. and even now, i feel really lonely sometimes. like a piece of life is missing. that community i used to know. even the closeness of my own family seems to be lessened. and i don't understand that. and quite frankly, i abore that. haha.hmm. anyway, i still see everyday that i don't have control of anything in this crazy life. and sometimes maybe we just need to do whatever ya know. just do things. my father and i were talking about broken hearts the other day and how sometimes ppl use God as their reasoning not only for breaking hearts but for justifying any decision. and i think, we might be abusing that notion often times. yea, we can work towards a greater cause a greater existence, a greater life, but i think we need to remember ppl are fragile. i am fragile. i know that. i used to pretend i wasn't. but i am. and any decision we make, even if it be for the Lord's sake, we are affecting ppl. now don't get me wrong, i do believe that God can reveal paths, but i'm just saying, sometimes i think we choose paths and say they are God's revealed ones. just something to ponder.

i finally had a good cry yesterday. i hadn't cried a good cry for a while. u know, the kind that gives u a headache and takes away any desire to eat. yea, it was one of those. it felt good afterwards. but i still didn't feel all the way better. i guess that's life. i don't want to be a coward. and i don't want to get stuck in other people's lack of courage to be honest. and i don't want to pretend things that don't exist do. sometimes i do that too. but only to make myself feel better. we all need hope.

i have been thinking on africa lately and how i want to visit. and not just there but so many countries. and how there is so much we all can do to help the lives of the suffering. i would like to always raise money for those in need through benefit concerts and other creative outlets. it's really easy guys, we can do a lot. i also have been thinking about committment. haha. i went camping with some dear people and throughout the week of observing the realities of marriage and children, i said i didn't wanna ever get married. but that's not true. and i love children a lot. and for whatever reason, they love me. my mom says its because children are very aware of things and they can probably sense my sincerity. i'll take it. i do want to get married. i've been looking into mail-order grooms. just lying. i do have a friend though who is from bulgaria and she told me that i could marry her friend for some thousands of dollars so that he could come to america. i thought about it and how that would be an easy way to make some mula, but then again...yea right! i couldn't do it.

i am a nature woman. and a people lover. and a culture appreciator. and a hopefully soon to be teacher. i like to smoke cigars with my dad but i don't like cigarettes, they make me dizzy. i am a beauty. and sometimes i am ugly. we all are ugly sometimes...but that makes us human. i also am a leader. but a leader who wants to be lead. and just held sometimes ya know. i love big, strong, warm hugs. they make the world seem like a better place. i have been giving many hugs this summer. probably partly because i need them.

i am hopeful and sometimes i wish i could erase sections of my life. i am calm and sometimes i yell. i yelled at my dad today even. i'm not proud of that. i love him still. even when we don't understand each other...i think we have a deep understanding. my daddy will rub my back when my heart hurts. (thank u poppa.)

well...i'm gonna stop soon. this summer i have listened a lot more than usual. i have learned that when u just wait...those who usually listen...will speak up. and its fantastic. i like not talking sometimes. unless of course....i have a good story or something.

in the words of an 80yr old woman named bonnie that i visited with yesterday: "keep your ears clean kid!"